Captain’s Log: Social Distancing

Captain’s Log: Now have 6 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies remaining. Make that 5. Our mission has been extended. Concerned supply won’t last. So far crew unaware of the problem. Sooner or later they will figure it out.

Captain’s Log: Down to last box of Girl Scout cookies. Rationing in order. Decided to keep them under lock. Crew close to mutiny. Hope to defuse situation by offering Cheez-Its…

Captain’s Log: Supply of Girl Scout cookies has run out. Some of the crew blame me. Sent word to ship’s cook to bake some Thin Mints. Scuttlebutt has it he shouted, “Dammit Jim, I’m a cook, not a miracle worker!” (Jim is the name of the ship’s cat.) Crew is getting restless. Cheez-Its running low. Now counting stacks of 6 for each crewman. Fist fight broke out when one got 7. Searching for options…

Captain’s Log: Requisitioned supply of Thin Mints and Cheez-Its. Scotty, ship’s Quartermaster, reported ‘indefinite delay’ in shipment. When I said, “We need it yesterday, Scotty,” he said, “Captain, I canna change the laws of physics!” I know that. The man has no sense of humor. Many of the crew now question my competence. Situation deteriorating. In the plus column, we have plenty of toilet paper.

Captain’s Log: Hosted a Canasta tournament to distract crew. Offered pickled beets and vegan muffins as refreshments. Apparently, these are not a good substitute for Thin Mints and Cheez-Its. However, Ensign Wilson said he liked them. Wilson has always been a good listener. Scuttlebutt has it, other crewmen call him a suck-up. If shipment doesn’t arrive soon, I’ll need to prepare for the worst.

Captain’s Log: Received word shipment is on the way. Delivery will be difficult as we are far from port. Good news. Many volunteered to transfer the cargo. Bones, the cook, hopes it’s not just Thin Mints and Cheez-Its, as we are running low on other provisions. I told him, “one thing at a time,” as I finished the last of the ice cream. At this point, the crew hasn’t heard about the ice cream.

Captain’s Log: Shipment arrived today. Crew is not happy we received 30 Tins of Mince and 50 Cans of Cheese Whiz instead of Thin Mints and Cheez-Its. Crew blames Wilson. Confined him to brig for his protection. There seems to be no way out – mutiny may soon be at hand. One bright spot. Bones cooked up tasty “Cheddar on Toast Points” snacks. Still no progress on DIY Thin Mints.

Captain’s Log: At Wilson’s suggestion, Scotty requisitioned butter, eggs, flour, sugar, vanilla, and chocolate chips. Bones baked several batches of chocolate chip cookies! Crisis averted. Wilson, Scotty, and Bones now heroes. Lessons learned: Be honest. Be prepared. Take responsibility. Trust your crew, even when they question or criticize you. Work together. We are all in the same boat.

Captain’s Log: Update. Scotty’s shore connection in procurement, Ensign O’Reilly, reported Thin Mints and Cheez-Its were part of shipment. Suspect piracy. Tins of Mince and Cheese Whiz apparently a cruel joke. Crew stand behind me in efforts to find and punish the culprits. Lieutenant Gibbs is investigating.

Captain’s Log: Gibbs traced location of pirates’ warehouse. Wilson undercover and will report on illegal Girl Scout Cookie Trafficking. Tasha – Lt. Gibbs – advised me to keep this confidential. So far, only crew and Facebook followers know. Wilson left today at 0800. Confident mission will be a success.

Captain’s Log: Wilson’s cover blown. Not sure how. Last message to Gibbs was, “Who knew Girl Scout Cookies would be this dangerous?” Traffickers holding Wilson hostage. Demand ransom. Several crew members volunteered to mount a rescue and retrieval mission.

Captain’s Log: Girl Scout Troop raided warehouse to rescue Wilson and reacquire cookies. Wilson freed. Cookies on the way. According to local LEOs, and I quote, “The Girl Scouts took names and kicked ass.” Apparently, Scouts detest cookie piracy even more than the crew, and they follow me on social media.

Captain’s Log: Thin Mints safely aboard. Crew impressed by Scouts’ bravery – and fighting skills! Agreed to give Scouts tour of the ship after we dock. Placed large order for more cookies. Never again will we be caught without cookie stockpile. BTW, Wilson seems to have a crush on Scout Leader, Charlene Norris.

Captain’s Log: Crew Profiles, part one. Wilson. Far from being a “suck-up,” Ensign Wilson is a ‘glass half full’ kind of guy. Happy to see him carrying on a long-distance relationship with Special Agent Norris. Turns out Charlene’s day job is with the FBI. Wilson thinks his text messages to Norris are a secret, but everyone knows about them. I had Gibbs make inquiries. She says Norris is “the real deal.” I’m not surprised. I’ve never seen Wilson happier.

Captain’s Log: Crew Profiles, part two. Scotty. Mr. Scott is the best Quartermaster in the fleet, despite his predilection to overstate the time it might take for him to accomplish something. “Under promise, but overdeliver” is his motto, and it serves us well. A few weeks ago, he warned me, “Captain, our snack supply is deterioratin’ and there’s narry a thing I can do aboot it, without your say-so.” I therefore must accept full responsibility for the Thin Mint Incident.

Captain’s Log: Crew Profiles, part three. Bones. Petty Officer Brennan got the name, Bones, for his preference of using bones to make soup. The crew used to call him ‘Soup Bones,’ but soon shortened it to ‘Bones.’ He’s one great cook, and a good friend. Often talks to Jim, the ship’s cat, though. One day, while he was cooking a lobster, I overheard him say, “He’s dead, Jim.” Nevertheless, Bones has made the Captain’s Mess great again.

Captain’s Log: Crew Profiles, part four. Gibbs. Lieutenant Tasha Gibbs isn’t afraid to point out my mistakes…or ignorance. She seems to be obsessed with rules, but when it comes to supervising ship’s security, she’s clearly the best man for the job. She’s always had my back, even when the crew was close to mutiny over the Thin Mint Incident, now known as “The TMI.” We all need a Gibbs to set us straight from time-to-time.

Captain’s Log: Supplemental. Life with the crew. Long voyages can be taxing on everyone involved. I’m fortunate to have a fine crew. Not without squabbles here and there, and a general low tolerance for stupid behavior, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Also, lucky to have an Executive Officer, Commander Christian, who lives up to his name – all the compassion, none of the ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude. Scotty, Bones, Wilson, Gibbs, and the rest are all highly valued. I would gladly sail with them again. If you have a good crew you can make it through any assignment.