Gimmicks

One of my most unusual opportunities was teaching trumpet to “Mazeppa” from the Broadway show, Gypsy. In 1975, I got a call from the director asking me if I would teach the actress playing Mazeppa enough trumpet to play a few notes. We set up a date for her to meet me at the door of my practice room the next day. At that time, I had no idea what Mazeppa would look like or whether she had any aptitude for the trumpet. But I was willing to give it the old college try.

When she arrived, I was totally unprepared. Not for the trumpet lesson, but for the young woman who greeted me. I’m six-foot-two. Mazeppa seemed to be at least six-foot-four. I recall I had to look up to her. Maybe it was her 70’s platform shoes, or her wide-brimmed sun hat, but she was an imposing presence, to say the least. Think of James Bond standing in front of “Jaws” in one of the Roger Moore films, except that Mazeppa was very pretty and clearly had assets Jaws did not. Later, one of my buddies jokingly called her, “your strapping young lass.” Nevertheless, I did my part and tried to teach her to play trumpet. Twice a week, for six weeks, I stood face-to-face with a woman who could have played Xena: Warrior Princess decades before that role existed. And, I remained professional. Partly because that’s the way I am, and partly because I figured she was out of my league.

To get to the point, Mazeppa, Elektra, and Tessie Tura would be singing a song called, “You’ve Got to Get a Gimmick.” Mazeppa would sing, “If ya gotta bump it, bump it with a trumpet,” while wearing Roman-style armor, complete with red and gold breastplate and helmet. She never gained enough proficiency to play a few notes, so I ended up playing them for her from the pit. However, she did become very good at pretending to play. So, there was that.

Gimmicks are essential in show business. To be noticed, wannabe stars must find something beyond their talent to identify them. Liberace, Sir Elton John, Alice Cooper, Cher, Madonna, and Lady Gaga come to mind. It’s not enough to be a good performer. Your act must stand out. You must make a memorable impression on your audience, as Mazeppa had made with me. Today, I might be following her on Instagram, as would many others, for reasons both good and bad.

Even news commentators must have an act – a gimmick – if they want to make serious money. And make no mistake, everyone who makes serious money sharing their opinions has a gimmick. Their facial expressions, their talking points, their catch phrases, their tone of voice, their general demeanor, even the names of their shows, must first and foremost draw attention. Integrity and facts often take a back seat to making sure the gimmick leads to a seven-figure salary. In many ways, they are the same as Burlesque Queens. Only the context has changed, not the motivation. Gypsy learned to “entertain” her audience. So, must all on-air and on-internet talent, for better or for worse.

The problem is that entertainment is not necessarily an unbiased or accurate representation of reality. Mazeppa, Elektra, and Tessie were part of a fantasy world – a sub-culture that aimed to help men forget their troubles while watching women remove their clothes. Today, commentators peel back a thin veneer of rationality to expose a body of irrational beliefs and prejudices. Just as strippers provide what some men want to see, newsy entertainment personalities deliver what their followers want to hear. Gimmicks get their attention. They stay for the show. Their biases are confirmed. They buy what their stars are selling. But the truth often gets lost, mainly because it lies somewhere other than the gimmicks. My Mazeppa at least tried to learn the trumpet. Many newsy entertainers today don’t appear to even want to understand what they’re talking about. But my Mazeppa understood she was creating a parody of a fantasy, not an alternative version of the truth. I miss her. I never learned what became of my one-time student, but I hope she’s had a great life.