When I was working on my master’s degree, one of my friends, a soprano studying opera, invited me to come to a party with her. Upon entering the room, I noticed that something was not “normal,” at least according to my small-town sensibilities. There were many more guys than gals, and a few were in pairs having their own quiet conversations. Around the sofa, there was a group reviewing photos in an album, so I decided to have a look. In that album were pictures of various party-goers dressed in stage-ready gowns and dresses, some of which, I had to admit, looked as attractive as any woman I knew. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to deduce that these guys were mostly gay. Clearly this was not a party where I could meet women. But, as I recall it, I was affable. I complimented a couple of the guys on the quality of their photos. I tried hard to avoid double takes between the album and those around me currently dressed in civilian attire.
I had a pleasant conversation with a guy in the kitchen, where I went in search of something to drink. After a few minutes, he told me he thought we had a “connection,” and asked whether I would like to go out some time. I politely said I enjoyed talking with him, but I didn’t share his inclinations, and thanked him for the offer. Sensing my discomfort, he simply said, “OK. Sorry. That’s cool, man.” There was no pressure, no judgement, but maybe some acknowledgement that I too was “cool” about everything. My soprano friend later had a good laugh and apologized that she had not told me who would be attending the party. Such was my introduction to opera and musical theatre at the world’s largest music school.
I had known theatre people – some gay, some not – at my undergrad school. Then, my impression was that the people I met were just trying to be themselves. Perhaps in the arts, people who find themselves outside common conceptions of normalcy can find more acceptance than in other areas. In my musical life, I have met many people who do not share my “orientation,” and at no time have I felt anyone was trying to talk me into becoming someone I am not. However, I have had many conversations about how difficult it is to try to be normal, to conform to what others think you should be, while struggling to be true to who you are. Whether we are dealing with gender identity or life in general, I have learned that practically no one wants the anxiety and conflict of telling the world they are not as they are expected to be. And, this is particularly difficult when a person’s biological makeup goes against societal norms.
As a teacher, I tried to be sympathetic to students who were going through their own struggles. I’ve known students who were trying their best to conform to the rules of normalcy. At the time, all I could do was be the best teacher and listener I could be. Later, I learned that some had realized who they were and had found the courage to tell their friends and family. In college, I knew a person who later transitioned to the opposite gender. All of these are the same giving, caring, kind, strong, dedicated, hard-working persons I knew before. They have my admiration. I know how hard it must have been to break with long-standing expectations. I am aware that many have faced rejection and recrimination from those who should have at least offered them a little support.
Many would paint the people I’ve met with a broad and unfair brush, accusing them of being promiscuous or perverted, labelling them as pedophiles or child abusers. Therefore, their accusers will claim they don’t deserve rights, but punishment. If you’ve read this far, think about who is most often guilty of these charges. Who is in the news? Those thought to be normal. Family members. Clergymen. Teachers. Child pornographers and sex traffickers are typically heterosexual men, not gay guys who say it’s cool if you’re not interested in a date.
We must be very careful about our logic. It’s dishonest to conflate LGBTQ identification with criminal behavior or claim that everyone in a group is bad based on a few cherry-picked examples. It’s hateful to spread false accusations or insist that whatever is not normal to the majority is therefore evil. We are all tempted to force our notions of normalcy on others. We must resist that temptation, because all of us are struggling to understand who we are and what to do about it. And we must fight the either-or fallacy. Even those who do not live their lives as we do can share our ideals and aspirations. I am convinced that if the end of the world comes, it will not be caused by people who try to be true to themselves, but by normal people who act in bad faith.
MurrayWorks 