Parenting is hard.
Old school. At a parent-teacher conference long ago, the father told the teacher, “Look, if Tommy steps out-of-line, I want to know about it. We don’t put up with that kind of thing at home and we don’t expect you to, either. Believe me, whatever punishment you dish out here, Tommy will get twice as much at home.”
On his own. A boy was reported absent from school for several days. The truant officer discovered his clothes were filthy and he hadn’t had regular meals or a bed to sleep in. His mother was high on drugs when the officer arrived. The boy was assigned to foster care.
New school. New teachers at an upscale high school receive a list of the students whose parents have a lawyer on call, should their child be reprimanded or accused of wrongdoing. Of course, their little darling would never swear, bully, skip class, threaten the teacher, etc.
Helicopter parents. Those who hover over their child – even in college – to make sure their kids are getting what they think they need. Some even act as their 18-year-old’s personal assistant; scheduling meetings, answering emails, providing wake-up calls, etc. In contrast, my parents dropped me off, told me to work hard and write home, then drove away.
I’ve noticed three types of helicopter parents:
Tourist – those who want to keep in touch on a regular basis.
News – those who seek detailed information and aren’t afraid to interrogate.
Blackhawk – those who attack any perceived threat to their offspring’s success.
The latter will debate professors over grades and threaten to sue if a grade is not changed to their satisfaction. I’ve known administrators who surrendered to a couple of Blackhawks. I’ve also seen this type referred to as, “lawnmower parents,” because they try to mow down any obstacles their progeny might face. Never mind what might be learned by working to overcome these difficulties.
It seems to me parenting is a “Goldilocks” proposition. We find it works best when parental involvement is neither too great nor too small, but “just right.” Too much “mowing down” means students will not learn to take responsibility for their actions. I was failing a course in my freshman year. My dad’s response was to tell me to go talk to the professor and work something out. I did exactly that. I worked to complete all past-due assignments and studied hard for the final exam. I ended up with a C+ with no parental intervention.
Too little involvement sends the message that parents don’t care or don’t believe education is worthwhile. Perhaps this is one of the reasons kids join gangs. At least the gang cares about them. I learned through my parents’ example that the amount of parental control should vary inversely with age. Younger children require more, and as they grow up and show they are gaining competence and responsibility, parental control should naturally diminish, until children leave the nest as functioning adults. That’s the theory, at least.
There once was a saying, “Let’s give it the old college try.” College is a time to test one’s abilities, to expand one’s knowledge – to learn a second language, join a sports team, play in a band, sing in a choir, create art, take some challenging courses, meet some new people, and so on – all while doing one’s best. The “old college try” was not to be half-hearted. It was not to be curated by well-intentioned parents, as if the 18-year-old was in elementary school and going on a play date. Part of the purpose of college is to provide opportunities for young people to grow – in body, mind, and spirit. If college graduates emerge unchanged, what’s the point of spending four years and the cost of a luxury car?
In my experience, most college students take the opportunity seriously. They are highly motivated, work hard, and perform well in their field. While some just “get by,” doing as little as possible, partying more than studying, or living in their comfort zone the whole time, those who decide to become adults realize that their education is ultimately their responsibility. Good students have learned – with the help of parents and mentors – that they could continue to act as dependent children or make the choice to become independent adults. It seems to me parents make nearly all the difference.
MurrayWorks 