from: Bloodstone43956@i-mail.irs
to: Raventrap39996@i-mail.irs
date: 7518.19206
My Dear Raventrap ~
You really must stop using your I-mail account to send pictures of your clients dressed-up like demonic kittens. This is very impish and you know better. However, your last message has reminded me to provide a few ways to use the internet to tempt humans. There are indeed many, and I can only begin to describe them in a brief message, so this overview will have to be enough.
Let’s start with “social media.” Since many humans already think “Facebook” and “YouTube” are the entire internet anyhow, these sites represent major forms of temptation and must not be overlooked. As one popular actress has said, “I don’t use Facebook, but from what I’ve heard it sounds like a horrible waste of time.” Well…sometimes one of the little beggars actually manages to hit the nail on the head. I couldn’t have put it better myself. Our Executive’s goal regarding the internet is for humans to waste as much time as possible, time they could have spent improving themselves, or Our Executive forbid, time they could have spent with Our Competitor. The “horrible” aftermath is, by right of conquest, ours!
As you may have guessed, the first object of the game is to have your clients spend hour after hour watching worthless video clips of others acting like jackasses or political commentary that merely confirms their biases, when they could be doing their jobs or actually learning something. While we recognize the internet contains a vast amount of useful information, we also insist all tempters must work to keep it out of sight. Remind your clients there is always something “less boring” to see. Never mind Our Competitor’s warning, “There is nothing new under the sun.” We must convince our clients there is always something new, something more entertaining, more exciting, more titillating. By all means, direct your clients’ attention there, not towards learning dull facts or thinking about how to actually use all this information to benefit others. If we can succeed in making their use of the internet “a horrible waste of time,” we will have twisted a potentially harmful medium to our advantage, and millions of contracts will literally fall into our hands.
A second object of the game is to focus our clients’ attention on gossip, sound bites, and idle chatter; and don’t forget “memes” ~ we invented these with the primary intention of distorting facts and viewpoints. While there is no harm if our clients share a few of them with their friends for comic relief ~ even though humor is anathema to us ~ if we can stay involved, under the surface, a significant number of memes will turn out to be quite mean-spirited or even hurtful. In general, our tactic is to have our clients use them to “find fault” rather than engage in rational discussion. Whenever possible, push your clients to come up with a cynical or condescending comeback to a meme right away, rather than give them time to think of something more constructive or charitable to say later. Another advantage in communicating through talking points and memes is that our clients will not be encouraged to think for themselves, as Our Competitor might prefer. Our Executive, on the other hand, understands the value of controlling the conversation. We must construct talking points, sound bites, and memes, to misinterpret, distort, or hide the truth ~ more importantly to limit the conversation to the easily digestible thoughts we provide. Speaking of digestible, the use of these techniques has made it possible for us to harvest countless clients who never managed to come up with a single original thought the whole time they lived on the Earth. They are sweet treats indeed ~ with no bitter aftertaste of lingering rationality!
A third object is to make sure our clients maintain short attention spans ~ the shorter the better. Longer attention spans enable reflection and critical thinking, and we can’t permit any of that. So far, we have been fairly successful in keeping most video clips short. And we have been resoundingly effective in our invention of the “Tweet,” a form of communication limited to only a few characters. It’s very difficult for most of our clients to put any deep thought into such a brief message. Prior to this format, one of our greatest innovations was the shorthand used in text messaging ~ BAE, IDC, IMO, LOL, OMG, WTH, and hundreds of others were developed ostensibly to speed-up communication. The bottom line is: faster isn’t necessarily the same as better. Sometimes “faster” means we have rendered our clients unable to think past the first step in logical sequence. The general idea is to create the illusion real communication is taking place, yet all the while, we must induce our clients to become shallower, and more flippant. As you know, flippant communication would be near to Our Executive’s heart, if he had one, and short attention spans result in snappy catch phrases more often than thoughtful sentences. If we make the right moves, our clients might even “follow” a series of “Tweets” straight to Hell.
Finally, it’s desirable to emphasize the importance of our clients “posting” on every possible event in their lives. It might be a long “post” sharing what they think is a funny story ~ never very funny to us, by the way ~ or a just a photograph of what they ate for lunch. It doesn’t matter, as long as their on-line life begins to rival real life for significance. If you become really adept at this form of temptation, our clients’ virtual lives will actually begin to take over. After all, the internet can offer great incentives for “15 minutes of fame,” and it’s up to us to make sure our clients don’t question this craving. While Our Competitor might tell them it’s good to “make a difference” by curing some disease or inventing a new process to purify water, Our Executive knows it’s far easier to attract attention with an embarrassing video clip or a smart-aleck Tweet. If we can pervert our clients’ desire to be noticed sufficiently, it will become more important for them to “blog” about a thing than to actually accomplish it. More contracts for our side!
Your Devoted Cousin,
Bloodstone
MurrayWorks 