Two years ago, my father died. Mom passed away a few years before that. I’ve been living with a combination of grief and relief for 8 years. While I miss them both, I’m not overwhelmed by their passing, because in some ways they (and I) had already moved on by the time they officially left this world. And I would not want to have either of my parents live a greatly diminished life, suffering daily pain and being unable to be who they once were. Mom was no longer the vivacious optimist who taught me to find the good in others and be good to them in turn. She became bitter and almost impossible to please. Dad was no longer the clear-thinking captain of industry who taught me to be true to myself no matter what others chose to do. He became physically weak and mentally confused. In the end, I’m not sure he knew who I was.
In a way it was merciful that mom died suddenly at home. She was facing a possible amputation and a long-term care facility, either of which would have crushed her will to live. Mom said many times she didn’t want to die in a hospital or go to a nursing home. It seems she got what she wanted. If dad had fully understood his condition, I doubt he would have wanted to live much longer. He once said that all things have a life cycle. A more rational version of my dad might have told me it’s foolish to try to keep a business going beyond a certain point.
I’m not advocating for euthanasia. Dad’s Power of Attorney document directed that, “life-sustaining procedures shall be withheld or withdrawn and that I be permitted to die naturally with only the administration of medication.” He wanted to be kept comfortable but understood that certain procedures “would only artificially prolong my dying process.” Mom used to say, “when your number’s up, your number’s up.” One day in May, her number was called. All good things must come to an end.
We all must learn to turn the page, whether it is on departed loved ones, relationships, jobs, or old ways of being. There is nothing wrong with turning the page. And sometimes we must move on, particularly when the page we are on has us doing things that are not good for us or others. Some relationships demand that we lie to ourselves, live that lie, and sacrifice the good that is in us to win someone else’s approval. Some jobs ask us to give the best years of our lives, only to tell us that our position must be terminated after decades of loyal service. Some habits are worth breaking, even if they seem harmless. Sometimes we must choose the things that truly make life worth living.
My parents were in many ways important chapters of my life, but I can’t turn back to those chapters, except to remember their best pages. I have turned the page on work, having recognized that work turned the page on me first. There is nothing for me in that world anymore, except memories of the students worked with and a few of my former colleagues. In life, we must keep reading the chapters to get to the end of the book.
We all have some level of fear about turning the page. We like to stick with what we know. Yet, we can get so comfortable in certain chapters that we are reluctant to start new ones. If you are reading this and are stuck in one chapter of your life, I sincerely hope you will find the courage to turn the page. Others have no right to require us to do things that do not represent the best we can be, especially if these things cause harm to anyone. And no one has a right to exploit our good faith efforts. Sometimes we must turn the page for the sake of our mental health, if not our souls.
I can imagine my parents saying, “please forget the times when we were bad examples or were unable to provide what you needed and always remember the good things we tried to teach you.” Turning the page does not mean forgetting the past. It means opening a new chapter where the best parts of the past can inform the future. Some people live lives antithetical to the life my parents wanted me to live. Even so, character matters. Integrity, hard work, fair play, generosity, patience, and kindness matter. Whenever these are absent or we become unable to live up to them, for whatever reason, it’s time to turn the page.
MurrayWorks 